O come, O come, Emmanuel
I’m missing you
I’m waiting for your spell
Without you, my heart will fade
I’ll wither if your love is delayed
Chorus:
Come now, come on, Emmanuel
I’m waiting for your hypnotizing spell
Come now, come on, Emmanuel
I’m waiting for your hypnotizing spell
O come, O come, Adonai*
I’m dreaming of your supernatural high
The thought of you is making me shine
Come fill in me with love divine
*Adonai is Hebrew for god/master
//Repeat chorus 3x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9PGuOH0hI&feature=fvw
Friday, January 29, 2010
Questions in my mind . . .
"Why do I feel as if I'm the one and only person in this World?"
"Where are all my friends?"
"Why do I feel that everyone treat me like an invisible person?"
"I can't feel my existence is meaningful to anyone, can you?"
"Does anyone ever remember that they have me as their friend before?"
"What is my true purpose in life?"
"I don't have a purpose or my life is just meaningless?"
"Am I avoiding something or myself? I seem to stop thinking about my future and don't want to grow up"
"Why doesn't anyone ever want to listen to what I say?"
"Is it because of the way I speak got problem or is it because of it is a boring topic that does not get your attention?"
"Do I speak in slow motion?"
"Do I keep everything to myself?"
"I don't know how to express myself, do I?"
"Am I really a good and nice person?"
"If I am really a nice person like you mention, why would you ever treat me like that?"
"I did not do my best... but did you?"
"You have 'feel', you find me... you no 'feel', you avoid me..."
"Do I look like a puppet to you? With no emotion and feeling?"
"Am I for real?"
"Do you need to care for my feeling?"
"How would you feel if you were in my shoes?"
"Is there really anyone out there who will love me?"
"Overcare = no freedom?"
"Less care = outside got other boyfriends/girlfriends? -> angry?"
"Does the perfect or dream gal/guy really exist?"
"Will you ask him/her to change so that he/she will meet the requirement set by you?"
"You like him/her when he/she becomes himself/herself or when he/she becomes the imaginatively person that you want him/her to be?"
"Is is necessary to have several partners to gain so-called love experience so that you could improve yourself to be a better girlfriend/boyfriend?"
"Why do people want to get married? Why not they keep dating and dating until the day they go back to God?"
"Does true love really exist nowadays?"
"Can I really put it down?"
"Can I face this by myself or do I need assistance from someone?"
"Did I make the correct decision?"
"Am I on the right track?"
"There is no such thing as wrong or correct path?"
"Should I save money to further my studies or should I save money to start my own business?"
"MBA? What kind of business?"
"Should I continue my life as it is or should I make a change/U-Turn to have a better future?"
"Should I put an end to this meaningless life?"
"Where are all my friends?"
"Why do I feel that everyone treat me like an invisible person?"
"I can't feel my existence is meaningful to anyone, can you?"
"Does anyone ever remember that they have me as their friend before?"
"What is my true purpose in life?"
"I don't have a purpose or my life is just meaningless?"
"Am I avoiding something or myself? I seem to stop thinking about my future and don't want to grow up"
"Why doesn't anyone ever want to listen to what I say?"
"Is it because of the way I speak got problem or is it because of it is a boring topic that does not get your attention?"
"Do I speak in slow motion?"
"Do I keep everything to myself?"
"I don't know how to express myself, do I?"
"Am I really a good and nice person?"
"If I am really a nice person like you mention, why would you ever treat me like that?"
"I did not do my best... but did you?"
"You have 'feel', you find me... you no 'feel', you avoid me..."
"Do I look like a puppet to you? With no emotion and feeling?"
"Am I for real?"
"Do you need to care for my feeling?"
"How would you feel if you were in my shoes?"
"Is there really anyone out there who will love me?"
"Overcare = no freedom?"
"Less care = outside got other boyfriends/girlfriends? -> angry?"
"Does the perfect or dream gal/guy really exist?"
"Will you ask him/her to change so that he/she will meet the requirement set by you?"
"You like him/her when he/she becomes himself/herself or when he/she becomes the imaginatively person that you want him/her to be?"
"Is is necessary to have several partners to gain so-called love experience so that you could improve yourself to be a better girlfriend/boyfriend?"
"Why do people want to get married? Why not they keep dating and dating until the day they go back to God?"
"Does true love really exist nowadays?"
"Can I really put it down?"
"Can I face this by myself or do I need assistance from someone?"
"Did I make the correct decision?"
"Am I on the right track?"
"There is no such thing as wrong or correct path?"
"Should I save money to further my studies or should I save money to start my own business?"
"MBA? What kind of business?"
"Should I continue my life as it is or should I make a change/U-Turn to have a better future?"
"Should I put an end to this meaningless life?"
My journey continued. . .
I had the longest holiday ever. After SPM, everyone was busy looking for information on University courses, including me. I, once wrote my ambition was to be a scientist. However, I did not wish to be a scientist anymore after I realized that I did not have much interest in science subjects such as physics, chemistry and biology. I preferred art and music subjects. I used to go to drawing classes during primary and lower secondary. I started to sing English songs sang by boy bands during lower secondary. I would sing whenever I was listening to songs in the living hall as well as when I was bathing in the washroom. I could naturally sing most of the songs completely without any lyrics. I used to listen to English oldies and some old Cantonese songs in my father's car when I was a kid. When I was in Form Three, I was exposed to Chinese song. I began to like Chinese song. I loved Jay Chou's, Lee Hom's, David Tao's and Eason Chan's songs. At first, I was only listening to the songs. Then, I tried to sing after listening for several times. I could not sing the Chinese songs completely as my Chinese was not good. I could only sing by following the sound of some words that I thought would be correct. I could not really read all the words in the lyrics. Sometimes, I would ask my mother for the "pin yin" if I really loved the song very much. Gradually, I could sing most of my favourite Chinese songs completely. I did not need any lyrics but even I was given the lyrics, I was not be able to read them also. My mother was Chinese educated and my father was English educated but both my Chinese and English were not good. I wonder why they did not speak in either of the language with me at home. My father is a Hakka but he did not speak Hakka with me also. I did not know Hakka at all. We speak in Cantonese instead.
I could not choose to be a singer or musician because I did not know how to play any music instruments and I felt that I was not suitable to be one. I was not handsome but at least I was presentable but I was a shy person then. "How could I perform in the public?" I was also lack of confidence due to my height. I was not sure it was because of I inherited the gene from my parents or because of I did not involve much in sports activities during secondary school that caused me to be shorter than average. I asked my parents' advice on which course to be chosen. They told me that I might choose the one, which I thought would be most suitable for myself and I had interest on it. I told my parents that I loved music and would like to study music but they said, "What could you be?” I knew it was a signal for me that they were not agreed with my thought. "Betul pun..." After I thought for a period of time, I agreed with them. I did not have any music background, as I was not sent to piano or any music instruments classes before. I was sent to computer classes instead. I loved to play computer games since I had my first personal computer during Standard Six. Then, I did not know what course should I choose so that I would have a bright future. I asked for opinions from my friends. Most of them wanted to be an engineer or architect. A small number of them wanted to be a doctor. My best friend wanted to choose IT field but his parents objected. Almost all of his relatives and both of his parents were involved in medical fields. They objected not because of they wanted him to be a doctor but they thought there were a lot of IT people in the industry already. He chose engineering field but majoring in computer. As I had no idea on which course to be chosen and I had some interest in computer related materials, especially animation, I followed my best friend's decision.
Then, I had decided on the course as my parents and relatives also said that I would have a bright future if I chose to be an engineer. I had another headache when I had to decide on which university to be enrolled in. Most of us applied for scholarship. I also applied for a few scholarships such as JPA. We also tried our luck to be enrolled in government universities but we knew that our chances to be enrolled in would be narrow. We did not put much hope. Thus, we had to find other alternatives. I applied to be enrolled in several private universities such as Uniten, MMU and Inti. I went for the JPA interview with several friends when we received calls. Two of them obtained the scholarship and had the chance to further their studies in the overseas upon completing the foundation year locally. One of them would be flying to United Kingdom and another one, who was the cleverest girl I used to admire, would be flying to United States of America. She had separated with my friend. I envied them so much as they could further their studies in the overseas and they did not need to pay a single cent for that. As for me, I knew that my chance was not high because my English was not good. I knew I did not perform well in the interview session. After some time, I still did not receive any letter from the government universities that I had applied. I decided to take the offer to be enrolled in MMU as my best friend would be there and I heard that there were a lot of Malay students in Uniten if compared with Chinese students. I was not a racist. I just considered that it would be better if I chose to be enrolled in a university, where there were more Chinese students so that I had more chances to find the other half of me. Consequently, I had made the decision to choose MMU.
I had to make preparations before the trimester of the university started. I had to find accommodation that was near the university. I did not want to stay in the hostel because I had a bad impression on the condition of a hostel. This was because I stayed in a hostel in Maran, Pahang for a few days when I represented my district in the International Chess Competition. The toilets were dirty and some of them had no water supply. The mattress was old and was stunk. My best friend, a secondary classmate, a tuition mate and I went to Malacca with our own family members a day before the trimester started. We drove around to find accommodation. Finally, we found a family house, which was owned by a divorced woman. She has a son and a daughter. It was located behind the university. It was about 10 minutes walking distance to the university from there. We decided to rent the rooms and stay together. After lunch, we drove around to look for furniture shops because we wanted to buy mattresses and bookshelves. We did not have to buy cupboards because they were provided in each room. We unpacked our luggage and tidied up our rooms. Our family members drove back to Pahang upon settling the deposit of the rooms. I could not wait for tomorrow to come because I felt excited. "How will it be to be a university student?" At the same time, I felt nervous because I had to make new friends and adapt to a new environment. Moreover, the entire syllabus would be in English. I was worried that I could not understand the lessons taught in classes. I was also afraid that I could not communicate well with others because I seldom spoke in English during secondary school. My primary and secondary friends thought that I was very good in English because I got good results for it. I might be good in writing but not in speaking. There was a time that I tried to explain something to my English teacher during Standard Five but my teacher could hardly understand what I was trying to say because I talked slowly with interval in between. I talked slowly because I was not used to speak in English. I had to translate the idea that I wanted to convey and structure it into sentences with correct grammar in my mind before I explained to her. She laughed at me and said, "What are you trying to say?” Other students in the class also began to laugh. I felt ashamed of myself.
To be continued. . .
I could not choose to be a singer or musician because I did not know how to play any music instruments and I felt that I was not suitable to be one. I was not handsome but at least I was presentable but I was a shy person then. "How could I perform in the public?" I was also lack of confidence due to my height. I was not sure it was because of I inherited the gene from my parents or because of I did not involve much in sports activities during secondary school that caused me to be shorter than average. I asked my parents' advice on which course to be chosen. They told me that I might choose the one, which I thought would be most suitable for myself and I had interest on it. I told my parents that I loved music and would like to study music but they said, "What could you be?” I knew it was a signal for me that they were not agreed with my thought. "Betul pun..." After I thought for a period of time, I agreed with them. I did not have any music background, as I was not sent to piano or any music instruments classes before. I was sent to computer classes instead. I loved to play computer games since I had my first personal computer during Standard Six. Then, I did not know what course should I choose so that I would have a bright future. I asked for opinions from my friends. Most of them wanted to be an engineer or architect. A small number of them wanted to be a doctor. My best friend wanted to choose IT field but his parents objected. Almost all of his relatives and both of his parents were involved in medical fields. They objected not because of they wanted him to be a doctor but they thought there were a lot of IT people in the industry already. He chose engineering field but majoring in computer. As I had no idea on which course to be chosen and I had some interest in computer related materials, especially animation, I followed my best friend's decision.
Then, I had decided on the course as my parents and relatives also said that I would have a bright future if I chose to be an engineer. I had another headache when I had to decide on which university to be enrolled in. Most of us applied for scholarship. I also applied for a few scholarships such as JPA. We also tried our luck to be enrolled in government universities but we knew that our chances to be enrolled in would be narrow. We did not put much hope. Thus, we had to find other alternatives. I applied to be enrolled in several private universities such as Uniten, MMU and Inti. I went for the JPA interview with several friends when we received calls. Two of them obtained the scholarship and had the chance to further their studies in the overseas upon completing the foundation year locally. One of them would be flying to United Kingdom and another one, who was the cleverest girl I used to admire, would be flying to United States of America. She had separated with my friend. I envied them so much as they could further their studies in the overseas and they did not need to pay a single cent for that. As for me, I knew that my chance was not high because my English was not good. I knew I did not perform well in the interview session. After some time, I still did not receive any letter from the government universities that I had applied. I decided to take the offer to be enrolled in MMU as my best friend would be there and I heard that there were a lot of Malay students in Uniten if compared with Chinese students. I was not a racist. I just considered that it would be better if I chose to be enrolled in a university, where there were more Chinese students so that I had more chances to find the other half of me. Consequently, I had made the decision to choose MMU.
I had to make preparations before the trimester of the university started. I had to find accommodation that was near the university. I did not want to stay in the hostel because I had a bad impression on the condition of a hostel. This was because I stayed in a hostel in Maran, Pahang for a few days when I represented my district in the International Chess Competition. The toilets were dirty and some of them had no water supply. The mattress was old and was stunk. My best friend, a secondary classmate, a tuition mate and I went to Malacca with our own family members a day before the trimester started. We drove around to find accommodation. Finally, we found a family house, which was owned by a divorced woman. She has a son and a daughter. It was located behind the university. It was about 10 minutes walking distance to the university from there. We decided to rent the rooms and stay together. After lunch, we drove around to look for furniture shops because we wanted to buy mattresses and bookshelves. We did not have to buy cupboards because they were provided in each room. We unpacked our luggage and tidied up our rooms. Our family members drove back to Pahang upon settling the deposit of the rooms. I could not wait for tomorrow to come because I felt excited. "How will it be to be a university student?" At the same time, I felt nervous because I had to make new friends and adapt to a new environment. Moreover, the entire syllabus would be in English. I was worried that I could not understand the lessons taught in classes. I was also afraid that I could not communicate well with others because I seldom spoke in English during secondary school. My primary and secondary friends thought that I was very good in English because I got good results for it. I might be good in writing but not in speaking. There was a time that I tried to explain something to my English teacher during Standard Five but my teacher could hardly understand what I was trying to say because I talked slowly with interval in between. I talked slowly because I was not used to speak in English. I had to translate the idea that I wanted to convey and structure it into sentences with correct grammar in my mind before I explained to her. She laughed at me and said, "What are you trying to say?” Other students in the class also began to laugh. I felt ashamed of myself.
To be continued. . .
The story of a not-so-important person...
Suddenly I feel so down today. I feel that I am useless and worthless. I feel that everything I have done is wrong. I have been making wrong decisions. I always have this question in my mind... "What if...". Actually all this while, I do not really make decision by thinking thoroughly. Most of the time, I just follow others' decisions or advices. When I was a kid, I would follow my parents' advices and guidance. They wanted me to be a good son, which I did. I used to be a naughty but cheerful kid. I gradually changed into a quiet and good boy. I knew they just wanted to give the best to me.
I love my childhood very much. I lived with my grandparents before I started to study in kindergarten. My grandmother was the one, who taught me mathematics through cards ("daun terup"). We played "fishing (钓鱼)" when she was at home and was free. I loved to run and climb around. I helped my grandparents in their farms. I helped them to water the vegetables, pluck the fully grown cucumbers, feed the chicken and ducks, hoe the ground and sow the seeds. Sometimes I played water in the small river near the farm. There were other farms surrounded my grandparents' farms. Thus, there were other farmers besides my grandparents. I would greet them whenever I saw them. They would smile to me and I could feel they were happy to see me around. I was kind of adorable since I was small. There was an orchard too. An old man lived in a small shed in the orchard. Sometimes he would give us some durians and mangosteens. I would accompany him when I was free. He was a lonely old man. As I could remember, his children were all grown up but they never came back to visit him. That time I swore to God that I would not treat my parents like that after I grew up.
After I was sent to kindergarten, I did not spend as much time as before with my grandparents already. I would only spend my time with them after my school time. I would have my lunch at my grandparents' house. When came to lunch time, it would be the most headache time for my grandparents. I disliked rice and vegetables since I was a kid. My grandmother would feed me but I loved to eat while lying down on a bench and I was lazy to chew the food. Sometimes I just kept the food inside my mouth after my grandmother fed me a spoonful of rice. She would need to wait for some time before she could give me another spoonful. The longest time for me to finish my lunch was more than one hour. When I think back, I will laugh at myself also. I would go back to my parents' house after I had my dinner. I would stay overnight at my grandparents' house once a while during the weekends. I missed my deceased grandparents very much.
I felt I was an extraordinary person when I was a kid. I once thought I was special. I was very good in many things. One of them was origami. Besides, I had always won while playing games with other kids. The most ridiculous thing I thought was that I could see through things. That was funny. Sometimes my father would buy lottery tickets. He would ask me to choose on which lottery tickets to be bought. Occasionally, I helped him to win some money but not much. When I was small, my thinking was more mature than any other children. I could think and act beyond my age. Most of my friends admired me because I was smart. There was a period that I became the "Big Brother" among my friends. It was not a big gang. We did not do anything to harm others or anything. They called me "Brother" because I could bring them to the city area from our "kampung" and take care of them. Actually it was not far. It was just a few minutes’ drive if by car. We felt it was quite far because we walked there and we were still small kids, who were supposed to stay at home after school. Sometimes, I would teach them in their homework when they did not know how to complete them.
We used to play at each other house in the village after school. The most unforgettable thing that happened was that I caused my grandmother to be bitten by a dog. It was a fine afternoon. We were playing hide and seek. I was hidden in an abandoned warehouse near my grandparents' farms. There was a dog. It was tied to something. I could not recall the incident in details. May be it was because the rope had loosen when my grandmother found me in the building. She was bitten because she wanted to protect me from the dog. It happened when she chased the dog away. She was sent to the hospital and was given more than ten stitches. I felt very guilty and sorry for her. I was scolded by my parents because of that. I did not dare to go out for a few weeks after that. However, my friends and neighbours' children would still come to my grandparents' house to play with me.
As for my life in the kindergarten, I loved the tea served during breakfast so much. I still remembered the taste. We were also given an hour of break to play in the playground inside the kindergarten. It was fun. It was the time when I made other friends besides my friends in the village. Whenever I look at the photos taken in the kindergarten, I feel funny. All kids were short and cute, including me. I was the fairest among all the kids. As I mentioned before, I was quite mature even though I was still young. I know what love is. It was called “人小鬼大” in Chinese. For the first time in my life, I had a feeling towards the opposite sex and started to admire someone. I still remembered her face and what she wore. She wore a beautiful white dress. She looked just like a princess. We were not in the same class for both years. This was because I only got number six in the first year. I remained in the same class. I got number three in the second year but we would not be in the same class also as we would be studying Standard One in the next year. There was one time that I saw her outside a house in the same row of my grandparents’ house. After that, I saw her a few times outside the house also. Then, I concluded that she was also staying with her grandparents. I was so happy to see her again even though I did not have the opportunity to be her friend.
I was studying in S.R.K Sulaiman for Standard One and Standard Two. It was located just behind the bank, which my father worked in. Most of my friends were Malay. One of them was my best friend. I remembered we fought with the brooms before we became best friend. There is a saying in Chinese “不打不向识”, which means you will not know each other unless you fight with him or her. It was the first time I had friends from other races. I did not try to make friend with anyone on the first day. However, my friends were the one who approached me. I was quite active in sports and good in academics. I had quite a number of medals for both sports and academics. I changed to another school when I was Standard Three because of a few reasons. Its name is S.R.K Sungai Marong. This primary school was situated just opposite my kindergarten. Firstly, it was because my parents bought a new terrace house that was nearer to the latter. We moved from a low cost area to uphill area. Secondly, my relatives had completed their primary education. Thirdly, I fell into a drain while I was playing “chase and run” with my friends. I ran so fast that I overlooked there was a drain in front. I injured my face, hands and legs. I felt ashamed when I went to school with my wounds. I wished to change a new environment also.
I had to make new friends in the new school all over again. As usual, I also did not approach them to make friend. I became a shy person after I enrolled in primary school. May be due to new environment, my results were also not as good as before. I got number seven for first half of the year and number fourteen for the second half of the year. This was the only time that my ranking out of Top Three in the whole form. As for sports, I still managed to represent my house to participate during Sports Day. There was music class in this school. It was the first time I learned to sing in my life. There was also art class, which was another favourite subject. Once again I fell in love with a girl. She was very good in academics. I heard she was the one, who always obtained the best student in the whole form. She was good in music too. She knew how to play piano and had Grade 8 for that.
I was enrolled into a “not-so-smart” class for Standard Four because of my results. However, I did not give up. I put more effort and did a lot of exercises for all subjects. I managed to obtain number one in my class and number three in the whole form. She was still the “Best Student of the Year”. I was supposed to be the same class with her for Standard Five but the government abolished the policy of placing all the smart students in a class and “not-so-smart” in other classes. I did not manage to be enrolled into the top class. I remained in the average class. I obtained first in my class again and second in the whole form. As usual, she was still the best. Time passed so fast. It was Standard Six and it was time to take the first government examination, which is UPSR. This time I was lucky to be placed in the top class with her. I loved to glance at her whenever I had chance during classes. Every year I represented my house during Sports Day in track events, mostly in relays such as 4x100 and 4x200. The medals were still preserved nicely in a cupboard. Eventually, I had completed my primary education with full A’s in UPSR. I felt happy and sad at the same time. I felt happy because I obtained good results but felt sad because I was not sure whether I would have the chance to see her again.
I had a long holiday at home. I spent most of the time on playing computer games and watching drama shown on television. The happy moments always ended very fast. The holiday was almost come to an end when I received a letter to inform me that I would be enrolled in which secondary school. I was chosen to be placed into the best school in the district without any obstacles. Good news for me was that she and a few of my good friends would be in the same school as me. Once again, it was a new environment to me. I had to adapt to this new environment. For the first time, I made friends, who were Chinese educated. They spoke in Mandarin but the best thing was that they also spoke in Cantonese. Thus, I was still able to communicate with them. One of the funniest things I could recall was that I spoke Malay with my best friend, who is a Chinese. May be this had been a habit for us to speak to each other in Malay.
During Form One and Form Two, I was less sociable because I was still shy. In addition, I had another problem, which was the pimples problem. I became low in self-esteem. The pimples problem became worse. The pimples had become acnes. I felt sad when I looked at myself in the mirror. It was horrible. I became quieter and quieter. I just sat at my place when I reached the school. During classes, I did not dare to look anywhere else apart from the teacher faces and my books. I did not dare to look at her as well. During recess time, I would take out the food I brought from home and eat alone at somewhere where other students would not visit. In these two years, I thought I had mild depression. I did not dare to talk face to face with others. It was called “没面见人”.
Although I was low in self-esteem, I was still good in academics and sports. I still managed to get second in the class and whole form. She was still the cleverest. In Form Two, I felt very happy because eventually I beat her and could be the best student of the year. My father and her father knew each other because of “bank staff and bank customer” relationship. One day, I found out that she cried because of that. I felt sad when I heard that. May be this was due to all this while she was the best and never faced any failures before. However, I felt happy when I figured out that she praised me as a clever person in front of her father because of this. At last, she noticed my existence. I was so happy. Nevertheless, our relationship did not go any further. We remained as normal friend, who did not talk much to each other.
In Form Three, my acne problem had gradually recovered. This was because my father took the initiative to bring me to the skin specialist in Tung Shin Hospital. I began to feel more confident with myself. I began to mix around. I became closer to those Chinese educated friends. We went to have drinks at nights, eat suppers, sat their motorcycles to watch illegal racing and went uphill to take some fresh air. By the time the examination was approaching, most of us focused and revised hard for our second government examination, which was the PMR. Although I loved to study at the last minute, I also put the thought of starting a love relation aside. I was able to score straight A’s in the examination. I felt glad about that. Yet, I felt very painful and sad when I discovered that the girl, who I had been admired for seven years, had become someone’s girlfriend. I felt even more miserable when I found out that her boyfriend was one of my close friends, who I had been sharing my thoughts and feelings with. I could not blame them because they did not know that I loved her. I could only blame myself for that. I did not take any actions all these years.
It took me about a year to put it down. It had been a challenging year for me after PMR as the examination for all the subjects would be conducted in both subjective and objective. There were also more subjects and syllabus as compared to those in Form Three. My results were not as good as before even though I was still managed to maintain my position in the Top Three in whole form. All the while, I scored 100 marks for my mathematics. I was very confident with my calculation skill. Nonetheless, I began to doubt myself when came across other subjects that required calculations also, such as Addmaths, physics and chemistry. These subjects required more understanding besides the calculation skill. I could not catch up with the lessons taught during classes. My mind was wandering somewhere else while the teachers were teaching. I felt I should be born in a rich family. I was deserved to have a better life than the one I was living then. There was always this thinking in my mind. I knew I should be grateful with what I had then.
On the other hand, all of my friends still thought I was the brilliant student as before. I felt a little pressure because of that. In fact, I was getting tired of learning and examination. I did not take any initiative to learn myself so that I had further understanding in those subjects after the school hours at home. My confidence began to tremble. I went to more tuition classes as well if compared to lower secondary. Those tuition classes did help me in understanding more but not much. I began to wonder whether I had chosen the right path. I found the phrase “The Road Not Taken” was kind of meaningful at that time. Some of my friends had chosen to study in Art Stream. Before that, I felt proud to be in Science Stream. I felt lost. After thinking for some time, I thought I was back on track again. I had chosen to be a Science student and I should try my best to obtain what I should.
After I gained back my confidence, I started to notice a girl, who may used to be my admirer. I could feel that this girl loved to take a peek on me when we were in the lower secondary. I could not ensure that she was my admirer. May be it was just my imagination. However, my sense was quite strong and accurate. I was very good in observing. She and I were in the same tuition classes since Form One. I did not notice her because at that time I was in love with the one I admired. She chose to be enrolled into Art Stream during Form Four. We seldom met each other already. Once in a while, we would send SMS to each other. By the time I wanted to confess to her, she had already had a boyfriend. Her boyfriend was my friend as well. They were in the same class as they were both in the Art Stream. Nonetheless, I still sent her a love letter in Chinese. My Chinese was very bad at that time. I had to use dictionary to find words. The Chinese characters that I knew were limited. The content of the letter was straight to the point. I sent her that letter just to let her knew that I had a feeling towards her then. I did ask her whether she admired me before or not but in the end of the letter, I told her that it was not necessary for her to give me an answer. I just hoped that she could find her own happiness. I sincerely wished my friend and her could have happy moments together. I felt unhappy but it was not as sad as the previous case.
In Form Five, my ranking was no longer in the Top Three but Top Ten instead. The students, who were average in their academics previously, began to overcome me. I underestimated their abilities. I felt so stress in the trial examination. During the examination weeks, I kept studying, asking solutions from friends and revising. I had a cold sweat a few times after some of the examination. I never failed before and I kept the phrase "You cannot fail!" in my mind all the time. I only managed to get two or three A’s. Others were B's and C's. I felt that I was useless and blamed myself for being not serious in learning. Yet, I could not give up at this time. When the SPM was around the corner, I thought of nothing but just concentrated in revising. I tried my best to obtain the best results I could so that my parents would not be disappointed. Actually my parents did not give any pressure to me. It was me who pressured myself. I was glad that I obtained seven A’s and two B’s in SPM. That was the end of my secondary life.
My story was kind of boring until here. I had been focusing on my education since primary school. I just wanted to be a good and filial son. I had the responsibility to fulfill my parents’ wish or should I say that it would be most likely the wish of every parent, which is to see their children to grow up in the best environment and to be a successful person in the future. Nevertheless, I felt that I had neglected a lot of things. I mixed with my friends but I did not really cherish and appreciate them at that time. I also felt that I had wasted a lot of opportunities because of my shyness and lack of confidence. I might have a lot of true friends if I cherished my friends. I might have a stable relationship if I had made one more step ahead. It was no use to make such assumption as it was too late and over already. How I wish I could turn back time. However, there is no such thing as time-machine right now. It would only appear in the silver screen.
To be continued…
I love my childhood very much. I lived with my grandparents before I started to study in kindergarten. My grandmother was the one, who taught me mathematics through cards ("daun terup"). We played "fishing (钓鱼)" when she was at home and was free. I loved to run and climb around. I helped my grandparents in their farms. I helped them to water the vegetables, pluck the fully grown cucumbers, feed the chicken and ducks, hoe the ground and sow the seeds. Sometimes I played water in the small river near the farm. There were other farms surrounded my grandparents' farms. Thus, there were other farmers besides my grandparents. I would greet them whenever I saw them. They would smile to me and I could feel they were happy to see me around. I was kind of adorable since I was small. There was an orchard too. An old man lived in a small shed in the orchard. Sometimes he would give us some durians and mangosteens. I would accompany him when I was free. He was a lonely old man. As I could remember, his children were all grown up but they never came back to visit him. That time I swore to God that I would not treat my parents like that after I grew up.
After I was sent to kindergarten, I did not spend as much time as before with my grandparents already. I would only spend my time with them after my school time. I would have my lunch at my grandparents' house. When came to lunch time, it would be the most headache time for my grandparents. I disliked rice and vegetables since I was a kid. My grandmother would feed me but I loved to eat while lying down on a bench and I was lazy to chew the food. Sometimes I just kept the food inside my mouth after my grandmother fed me a spoonful of rice. She would need to wait for some time before she could give me another spoonful. The longest time for me to finish my lunch was more than one hour. When I think back, I will laugh at myself also. I would go back to my parents' house after I had my dinner. I would stay overnight at my grandparents' house once a while during the weekends. I missed my deceased grandparents very much.
I felt I was an extraordinary person when I was a kid. I once thought I was special. I was very good in many things. One of them was origami. Besides, I had always won while playing games with other kids. The most ridiculous thing I thought was that I could see through things. That was funny. Sometimes my father would buy lottery tickets. He would ask me to choose on which lottery tickets to be bought. Occasionally, I helped him to win some money but not much. When I was small, my thinking was more mature than any other children. I could think and act beyond my age. Most of my friends admired me because I was smart. There was a period that I became the "Big Brother" among my friends. It was not a big gang. We did not do anything to harm others or anything. They called me "Brother" because I could bring them to the city area from our "kampung" and take care of them. Actually it was not far. It was just a few minutes’ drive if by car. We felt it was quite far because we walked there and we were still small kids, who were supposed to stay at home after school. Sometimes, I would teach them in their homework when they did not know how to complete them.
We used to play at each other house in the village after school. The most unforgettable thing that happened was that I caused my grandmother to be bitten by a dog. It was a fine afternoon. We were playing hide and seek. I was hidden in an abandoned warehouse near my grandparents' farms. There was a dog. It was tied to something. I could not recall the incident in details. May be it was because the rope had loosen when my grandmother found me in the building. She was bitten because she wanted to protect me from the dog. It happened when she chased the dog away. She was sent to the hospital and was given more than ten stitches. I felt very guilty and sorry for her. I was scolded by my parents because of that. I did not dare to go out for a few weeks after that. However, my friends and neighbours' children would still come to my grandparents' house to play with me.
As for my life in the kindergarten, I loved the tea served during breakfast so much. I still remembered the taste. We were also given an hour of break to play in the playground inside the kindergarten. It was fun. It was the time when I made other friends besides my friends in the village. Whenever I look at the photos taken in the kindergarten, I feel funny. All kids were short and cute, including me. I was the fairest among all the kids. As I mentioned before, I was quite mature even though I was still young. I know what love is. It was called “人小鬼大” in Chinese. For the first time in my life, I had a feeling towards the opposite sex and started to admire someone. I still remembered her face and what she wore. She wore a beautiful white dress. She looked just like a princess. We were not in the same class for both years. This was because I only got number six in the first year. I remained in the same class. I got number three in the second year but we would not be in the same class also as we would be studying Standard One in the next year. There was one time that I saw her outside a house in the same row of my grandparents’ house. After that, I saw her a few times outside the house also. Then, I concluded that she was also staying with her grandparents. I was so happy to see her again even though I did not have the opportunity to be her friend.
I was studying in S.R.K Sulaiman for Standard One and Standard Two. It was located just behind the bank, which my father worked in. Most of my friends were Malay. One of them was my best friend. I remembered we fought with the brooms before we became best friend. There is a saying in Chinese “不打不向识”, which means you will not know each other unless you fight with him or her. It was the first time I had friends from other races. I did not try to make friend with anyone on the first day. However, my friends were the one who approached me. I was quite active in sports and good in academics. I had quite a number of medals for both sports and academics. I changed to another school when I was Standard Three because of a few reasons. Its name is S.R.K Sungai Marong. This primary school was situated just opposite my kindergarten. Firstly, it was because my parents bought a new terrace house that was nearer to the latter. We moved from a low cost area to uphill area. Secondly, my relatives had completed their primary education. Thirdly, I fell into a drain while I was playing “chase and run” with my friends. I ran so fast that I overlooked there was a drain in front. I injured my face, hands and legs. I felt ashamed when I went to school with my wounds. I wished to change a new environment also.
I had to make new friends in the new school all over again. As usual, I also did not approach them to make friend. I became a shy person after I enrolled in primary school. May be due to new environment, my results were also not as good as before. I got number seven for first half of the year and number fourteen for the second half of the year. This was the only time that my ranking out of Top Three in the whole form. As for sports, I still managed to represent my house to participate during Sports Day. There was music class in this school. It was the first time I learned to sing in my life. There was also art class, which was another favourite subject. Once again I fell in love with a girl. She was very good in academics. I heard she was the one, who always obtained the best student in the whole form. She was good in music too. She knew how to play piano and had Grade 8 for that.
I was enrolled into a “not-so-smart” class for Standard Four because of my results. However, I did not give up. I put more effort and did a lot of exercises for all subjects. I managed to obtain number one in my class and number three in the whole form. She was still the “Best Student of the Year”. I was supposed to be the same class with her for Standard Five but the government abolished the policy of placing all the smart students in a class and “not-so-smart” in other classes. I did not manage to be enrolled into the top class. I remained in the average class. I obtained first in my class again and second in the whole form. As usual, she was still the best. Time passed so fast. It was Standard Six and it was time to take the first government examination, which is UPSR. This time I was lucky to be placed in the top class with her. I loved to glance at her whenever I had chance during classes. Every year I represented my house during Sports Day in track events, mostly in relays such as 4x100 and 4x200. The medals were still preserved nicely in a cupboard. Eventually, I had completed my primary education with full A’s in UPSR. I felt happy and sad at the same time. I felt happy because I obtained good results but felt sad because I was not sure whether I would have the chance to see her again.
I had a long holiday at home. I spent most of the time on playing computer games and watching drama shown on television. The happy moments always ended very fast. The holiday was almost come to an end when I received a letter to inform me that I would be enrolled in which secondary school. I was chosen to be placed into the best school in the district without any obstacles. Good news for me was that she and a few of my good friends would be in the same school as me. Once again, it was a new environment to me. I had to adapt to this new environment. For the first time, I made friends, who were Chinese educated. They spoke in Mandarin but the best thing was that they also spoke in Cantonese. Thus, I was still able to communicate with them. One of the funniest things I could recall was that I spoke Malay with my best friend, who is a Chinese. May be this had been a habit for us to speak to each other in Malay.
During Form One and Form Two, I was less sociable because I was still shy. In addition, I had another problem, which was the pimples problem. I became low in self-esteem. The pimples problem became worse. The pimples had become acnes. I felt sad when I looked at myself in the mirror. It was horrible. I became quieter and quieter. I just sat at my place when I reached the school. During classes, I did not dare to look anywhere else apart from the teacher faces and my books. I did not dare to look at her as well. During recess time, I would take out the food I brought from home and eat alone at somewhere where other students would not visit. In these two years, I thought I had mild depression. I did not dare to talk face to face with others. It was called “没面见人”.
Although I was low in self-esteem, I was still good in academics and sports. I still managed to get second in the class and whole form. She was still the cleverest. In Form Two, I felt very happy because eventually I beat her and could be the best student of the year. My father and her father knew each other because of “bank staff and bank customer” relationship. One day, I found out that she cried because of that. I felt sad when I heard that. May be this was due to all this while she was the best and never faced any failures before. However, I felt happy when I figured out that she praised me as a clever person in front of her father because of this. At last, she noticed my existence. I was so happy. Nevertheless, our relationship did not go any further. We remained as normal friend, who did not talk much to each other.
In Form Three, my acne problem had gradually recovered. This was because my father took the initiative to bring me to the skin specialist in Tung Shin Hospital. I began to feel more confident with myself. I began to mix around. I became closer to those Chinese educated friends. We went to have drinks at nights, eat suppers, sat their motorcycles to watch illegal racing and went uphill to take some fresh air. By the time the examination was approaching, most of us focused and revised hard for our second government examination, which was the PMR. Although I loved to study at the last minute, I also put the thought of starting a love relation aside. I was able to score straight A’s in the examination. I felt glad about that. Yet, I felt very painful and sad when I discovered that the girl, who I had been admired for seven years, had become someone’s girlfriend. I felt even more miserable when I found out that her boyfriend was one of my close friends, who I had been sharing my thoughts and feelings with. I could not blame them because they did not know that I loved her. I could only blame myself for that. I did not take any actions all these years.
It took me about a year to put it down. It had been a challenging year for me after PMR as the examination for all the subjects would be conducted in both subjective and objective. There were also more subjects and syllabus as compared to those in Form Three. My results were not as good as before even though I was still managed to maintain my position in the Top Three in whole form. All the while, I scored 100 marks for my mathematics. I was very confident with my calculation skill. Nonetheless, I began to doubt myself when came across other subjects that required calculations also, such as Addmaths, physics and chemistry. These subjects required more understanding besides the calculation skill. I could not catch up with the lessons taught during classes. My mind was wandering somewhere else while the teachers were teaching. I felt I should be born in a rich family. I was deserved to have a better life than the one I was living then. There was always this thinking in my mind. I knew I should be grateful with what I had then.
On the other hand, all of my friends still thought I was the brilliant student as before. I felt a little pressure because of that. In fact, I was getting tired of learning and examination. I did not take any initiative to learn myself so that I had further understanding in those subjects after the school hours at home. My confidence began to tremble. I went to more tuition classes as well if compared to lower secondary. Those tuition classes did help me in understanding more but not much. I began to wonder whether I had chosen the right path. I found the phrase “The Road Not Taken” was kind of meaningful at that time. Some of my friends had chosen to study in Art Stream. Before that, I felt proud to be in Science Stream. I felt lost. After thinking for some time, I thought I was back on track again. I had chosen to be a Science student and I should try my best to obtain what I should.
After I gained back my confidence, I started to notice a girl, who may used to be my admirer. I could feel that this girl loved to take a peek on me when we were in the lower secondary. I could not ensure that she was my admirer. May be it was just my imagination. However, my sense was quite strong and accurate. I was very good in observing. She and I were in the same tuition classes since Form One. I did not notice her because at that time I was in love with the one I admired. She chose to be enrolled into Art Stream during Form Four. We seldom met each other already. Once in a while, we would send SMS to each other. By the time I wanted to confess to her, she had already had a boyfriend. Her boyfriend was my friend as well. They were in the same class as they were both in the Art Stream. Nonetheless, I still sent her a love letter in Chinese. My Chinese was very bad at that time. I had to use dictionary to find words. The Chinese characters that I knew were limited. The content of the letter was straight to the point. I sent her that letter just to let her knew that I had a feeling towards her then. I did ask her whether she admired me before or not but in the end of the letter, I told her that it was not necessary for her to give me an answer. I just hoped that she could find her own happiness. I sincerely wished my friend and her could have happy moments together. I felt unhappy but it was not as sad as the previous case.
In Form Five, my ranking was no longer in the Top Three but Top Ten instead. The students, who were average in their academics previously, began to overcome me. I underestimated their abilities. I felt so stress in the trial examination. During the examination weeks, I kept studying, asking solutions from friends and revising. I had a cold sweat a few times after some of the examination. I never failed before and I kept the phrase "You cannot fail!" in my mind all the time. I only managed to get two or three A’s. Others were B's and C's. I felt that I was useless and blamed myself for being not serious in learning. Yet, I could not give up at this time. When the SPM was around the corner, I thought of nothing but just concentrated in revising. I tried my best to obtain the best results I could so that my parents would not be disappointed. Actually my parents did not give any pressure to me. It was me who pressured myself. I was glad that I obtained seven A’s and two B’s in SPM. That was the end of my secondary life.
My story was kind of boring until here. I had been focusing on my education since primary school. I just wanted to be a good and filial son. I had the responsibility to fulfill my parents’ wish or should I say that it would be most likely the wish of every parent, which is to see their children to grow up in the best environment and to be a successful person in the future. Nevertheless, I felt that I had neglected a lot of things. I mixed with my friends but I did not really cherish and appreciate them at that time. I also felt that I had wasted a lot of opportunities because of my shyness and lack of confidence. I might have a lot of true friends if I cherished my friends. I might have a stable relationship if I had made one more step ahead. It was no use to make such assumption as it was too late and over already. How I wish I could turn back time. However, there is no such thing as time-machine right now. It would only appear in the silver screen.
To be continued…
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